It’s been almost 16 months since I landed in Jamaica and I’ve got 14 months of service under my belt, which has finally returned to the third hole instead of the first: A sign that my stress eating days are over.
I have been trying to write this “one year down” post for over a month- I’ve got two discarded drafts that were started but never finished. Why has this been so difficult to write about?
For one thing, post returned to us our “Aspiration Statements”, the essays we wrote in response to our invitation to PC Jamaica. Mine is typically eloquent and idealistic, drawing lines between troubles and solutions, confidently speaking to my plethora of qualities, denouncing life in the classroom, strongly announcing my need for a challenge… and re, re, re.
Those two discarded drafts are an attempt to compare and critically contrast that statement with how I feel now. The first attempt ended in tears, the second with a frustrated slam of my laptop. I mourned my waning idealism, the loss of which I have often declared, would leave me purposeless and useless. I scoffed at my polite descriptions of how I’d handle the challenges of Peace Corps life and my pride in being an effective communicator.
It is still easy for me to get caught up in this depressing belief that I’ve lost my idealism and I’m cutting myself some slack because the pain of this realization throbs much like the first broken heart that teen-dom brings. But I’ve realized that while I was proud of my idealism, it’s not a realistic thing to hold on to in the field of community development. Idealism fosters ignorance, which will never bring organized betterment to anyone.
What one should always maintain, no matter what, is passion. At a young age, idealism can fuel passion, but it is not a limitless resource, this fuel. Sooner or later the thirst for challenge and experience will introduce the all powerful hand of reality. I always thought that to handle the difficulties of reality, to remain positive and hopeful, one must remain idealistically certain that “betta mus’ come” but that’s not true at all. It’s all about passionate realism my friends.
Additionally, I mistook a loss of idealism as synonymous with an increase in negativity. Yes, I have been more cynical lately. But I’ve also been down in the dumps, climbed out of the honeymoon phase and taken off my rose colored glasses. I will not mourn the loss of my positivity yet for negativity is not my natural state and I will (hopefully) never be a naturally negative person.
Finally, in community development it’s hard not to see the apathy of your peers or community members personally. It’s hard to remember that others’ apathy is not your failure. And it’s hard to separate your own positivity with other people’s negativity and then separate that further down: “are they just negative people or are they culturally taught to be negative?” We as Americans are generally taught to be positive and hopeful at a young age but that is unfortunately not the case everywhere in the world- people often don’t feel empowered enough to believe that they can make a difference in their own lives. As a good friend reminded me, “we can only create opportunity for people, what they do with that opportunity is their own initiative." And it has to be. Forcing something into nothing is exhausting and mentally taxing, why try pushing the door open when others are leaning nonchalantly against it on the other side with no regards to your effort? All you can do is show them the door, open it and walk through it yourself.
So I’m medicating my cynicism with a dose of home, and it seems to be working already because as I sat on the plane, 60 minutes outside NY, I was inspired to finally write this blog.
I have been trying to write this “one year down” post for over a month- I’ve got two discarded drafts that were started but never finished. Why has this been so difficult to write about?
For one thing, post returned to us our “Aspiration Statements”, the essays we wrote in response to our invitation to PC Jamaica. Mine is typically eloquent and idealistic, drawing lines between troubles and solutions, confidently speaking to my plethora of qualities, denouncing life in the classroom, strongly announcing my need for a challenge… and re, re, re.
Those two discarded drafts are an attempt to compare and critically contrast that statement with how I feel now. The first attempt ended in tears, the second with a frustrated slam of my laptop. I mourned my waning idealism, the loss of which I have often declared, would leave me purposeless and useless. I scoffed at my polite descriptions of how I’d handle the challenges of Peace Corps life and my pride in being an effective communicator.
It is still easy for me to get caught up in this depressing belief that I’ve lost my idealism and I’m cutting myself some slack because the pain of this realization throbs much like the first broken heart that teen-dom brings. But I’ve realized that while I was proud of my idealism, it’s not a realistic thing to hold on to in the field of community development. Idealism fosters ignorance, which will never bring organized betterment to anyone.
What one should always maintain, no matter what, is passion. At a young age, idealism can fuel passion, but it is not a limitless resource, this fuel. Sooner or later the thirst for challenge and experience will introduce the all powerful hand of reality. I always thought that to handle the difficulties of reality, to remain positive and hopeful, one must remain idealistically certain that “betta mus’ come” but that’s not true at all. It’s all about passionate realism my friends.
Additionally, I mistook a loss of idealism as synonymous with an increase in negativity. Yes, I have been more cynical lately. But I’ve also been down in the dumps, climbed out of the honeymoon phase and taken off my rose colored glasses. I will not mourn the loss of my positivity yet for negativity is not my natural state and I will (hopefully) never be a naturally negative person.
Finally, in community development it’s hard not to see the apathy of your peers or community members personally. It’s hard to remember that others’ apathy is not your failure. And it’s hard to separate your own positivity with other people’s negativity and then separate that further down: “are they just negative people or are they culturally taught to be negative?” We as Americans are generally taught to be positive and hopeful at a young age but that is unfortunately not the case everywhere in the world- people often don’t feel empowered enough to believe that they can make a difference in their own lives. As a good friend reminded me, “we can only create opportunity for people, what they do with that opportunity is their own initiative." And it has to be. Forcing something into nothing is exhausting and mentally taxing, why try pushing the door open when others are leaning nonchalantly against it on the other side with no regards to your effort? All you can do is show them the door, open it and walk through it yourself.
So I’m medicating my cynicism with a dose of home, and it seems to be working already because as I sat on the plane, 60 minutes outside NY, I was inspired to finally write this blog.
